This is gonna be a long rant. Just a fair warning.
Well, I'm not saying goodbye to this space. Still have so much more left to say. So no, it kinda really has nothing to do with me. Just random thoughts spilling over, and I'm here because it's my only other outlet.
I know I haven't exactly been faithfully posting, but in my opinion, the written word is best read when it's honest. And, here I am.
Okay, so essentially what goodbyes really are, is a wave, a "see you later" or a greeting. All at face value. Really, it's so much deeper than how most of us perceive it to be.
Only really thought of it now, after a friend of mine poured her heart out to me. No, I'm not naming anyone. Anonymity, because it's only fair.
I'm gonna call her Amanda, just because. And the guy (I wish I could just go on calling him a douche throughout, but I won't. Maybe i will somewhere in the end...but.. not for now), Felix.
So these two met through a dating app. Amanda, being Amanda was just looking for friends to chill and hangout with, and Felix just recently got dumped by his really really old ex girlfriend because of "religion issues" or so he says.
They started talking, and they got closer, and Amanda got too emotionally attached. Felix confessed. Thinking the feelings were mutual, I guess she chose to keep going. Until, one fine day, Felix told her he was gonna see his ex.
That was step one.
And step two was his ex unblocking him from whatsapp.
Step three is when Amanda had had enough.
Especially after Felix told Amanda that his ex just wanted to be "fuck buddies" and that he wanted to still be friends with her. All this after telling Amanda "I like you". Logic? None.
Who does that? Douches.
Okay, so when I heard that, I was like "WHAT." and when I saw her sob, I wanted to kill the guy. Well, I wish I could. Still do. That's not the point.
No one should have to go through anything like this. No one should have a girl or a guy fuck with their feelings and then walk away pretending that everything is okay. Because they well know that it's not. And no one should assume that after fucking with a person's feelings, that everything will be back to normal, and it'll be all rainbows and butterflies.
Because hello, it won't.
Even worse is when someone tells you that "Oh, so now you're showing me your true self. And you're leaving me now."
No. No. Not when you know it's your fault, and you made the mistakes and you made the bad choices. Yes, it takes two hands to clap, but in this case they're both your hands my dear douche. You hurt your "friend". You gave her hope. You called each other pet names. Yes, you say you don't want to fuck around, because you don't think she should be doing that. But no, you fucked her emotionally. In my opinion, that's the worse kinda fucking you should be doing.
Because after this, that person is scarred for life. Trust issues come rolling in. Bad judgment - because now she doesn't know if she should trust another nice guy who she assumes finds her as good company.
Because of people like you, people like us cannot take things easy. We overthink, we cry ourselves to sleep wondering what WE did wrong when in reality it's not our fault.
And you know what comes out of all of this?
Her not being able to say goodbye because she feels bad. SHE FEELS BAD. And you're asking for pizza.
F off. Please.
(At this point it's more like an annoyed, angry rant. But I have to put it somewhere).
Oh no. Goodbye is a long ass process. Goodbye is not just deleting, blocking, pretending that everything's okay, and you're moving on. No that's just actions. Inside, you're cringing, wincing in pain, trying to tell yourself that everything's going to be okay.
Goodbye is having to deal with the pain that might await you around the corner.
Goodbye is wondering whether you'd ever forgive yourself for walking that path.
Goodbye is constant self-questioning of what happened five years ago.
Goodbye is time wasted lying in the dark thinking of nothing and everything.
Goodbye is a wet pillow.
Goodbyes suck. And this goodbye, that she has to say, Mr Felix Douche, is your fault.
Fuck off and get your own fucking pizza and fuck your ex gf.
No she's not coming over.
I love you, A.